Author Archives: Tessa Heywood
Why be politically correct?
…when some of the funniest jokes are definitely NOT!!!
So, as it’s Friday, here’s a few to be getting on with:
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta’s, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, ‘hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!’
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60’s group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking …….. and then I saw her face
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, ‘what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?’
I said, ‘Thank you, I’ll have chicken please’
She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!’
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, ‘That’s just for starters!’
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!’
Bosses think she will do really well since she’s been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
BOOM!!!!!
What happens in Vegas can no longer be expected to stay there
Oh dear, what were you thinking Harry???
As nude pictures of the 3rd in line to the throne have spread across the Internet this week, British websites, newspapers and television stations have been banned from showing them which, in this age of technology is pretty silly as a simple Google search provided the evidence. There is an element perhaps of running scared following the recent Leveson Inquiry, together with the fact that Prince Charles has instructed lawyers to threaten legal action for infringing Prince Harry’s ‘privacy’. Regardless of Codes of Conduct and legislation however, the internet will always have space for as many nude photos of Prince Harry as partygoers with mobile phones can muster.
After much thought I have decided not to include the naked pictures in this post but if you want to check them out for yourself, last night a Google search for ‘Prince Harry Naked’ produced 68,300,000 results and a search for ‘Prince Harry Naked Pictures’ generated 25,800,000 results.
Whatever your opinion on this matter we should remember that Harry is no longer a teenager, he will be 28 next month – his position as an Officer in the British Army demands his observation of their own code of ethics as well as his obvious status within the Royal Family. So what possessed him to show off his very own “Crown Jewels” in a game of “strip billiards”? Prince Charles probably hasn’t seen his son naked since he was a baby. Now, anyone who has looked at a Hollywood-based website has.
And another question? Where was his security and why did they not stop him? Earlier in the day, bare-chested and wearing sunglasses, he blended in perfectly with the rest of the pool party revellers. But the man sharing Prince Harry’s Jacuzzi in Las Vegas is in fact his taxpayer-funded police protection officer. The unnamed Scotland Yard officer, on the left in the picture above, was one of at least three personal protection officers tasked with guarding the 27-year-old prince round the clock on his US holiday. His police detail is estimated to cost the taxpayer £2million a year, and the photos are bound to raise questions at the highest level. Dai Davies, the former head of Scotland Yard’s Royalty Protection Squad, said it was a ‘very tricky situation’ for the officers. But he added: ‘I’m not exactly sure how [protecting Harry] can be done when you are wearing your swimming trunks in a Jacuzzi. Where is his gun for a start? And if he is not deemed to need one then is there any justification for him being there?’
Harry and his entourage left Vegas on Tuesday, arriving in Los Angeles just an hour after his naked photos hit the internet. In blue shirt, cream Panama hat and sunglasses, the prince looked apprehensive as he waited in a car park outside a restaurant in trendy Venice Beach. While his friends ate inside, he spent much of his time on his mobile phone suggesting that the news had been broken to him that he was now an internet sensation.
Whatever the fallout is from his latest antics, I am pretty sure that when he gets home he’ll find out that Granny is not amused!!!
BDSM for nice people
And sure enough, following on from yesterday’s post Fifty Shades of Rubbish, today’s story is about the mainstream publishing company, HarperCollins, who have released a guide to bondage bedroom play – or BDSM, as it is known to the initiated.
While it is a lifestyle choice enjoyed, sometimes to extremes, by people across the globe, it is fair to say that the current popularity of BDSM refers to a sort of ‘BDSM lite’ – a tamer, more approachable version of the sexual proclivity.
And that is just what is portrayed in HarperCollins’ new guide. The book, Fifty Ways To Play – which carries the subtitle “BDSM for nice people”.
The book claims to offer 50 ‘edgy and erotic’ adventures which the publisher says are ‘perfect for the millions of readers who have been inspired by the phenomenal Fifty Shades trilogy.’ ‘Fifty Shades has broken down the taboos about BDSM and more women than ever are wanting to spice up their sex lives,’ HarperCollins said. ‘But there is very little out there that shows you how to turn every night into an erotic fantasy. ‘From turning your bedroom into a ‘Red Room Of Desire [in the Fifty Shades Trilogy it is known as the Red Room Of Pain] to exploring the fine art of Japanese rope bondage, these 50 edgy and erotic adventures make incredible sex incredibly easy,’ they say.
Conveniently for the budding BDSM-er, the book is being packaged up and sold as part of erotic gift sets by www.boxofgrey.com, a website set up for newcomers to the BDSM world. They have created gift boxes with a selection of props to complement the book, with two different sets on offer to assist the BDSM virgins: the Play Box, which includes a blindfold, paddle, kegel balls and a rope kit, and the Summer Holiday box, which contains a holiday-friendly selection of products that the site says are discreet enough that they can be packed in hand luggage without arousing suspicions during security checks.
All this strangely reminds me of the Paul Simon Song, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” released in December 1975:
The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you
Take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
Is the struggle he refers to the chains, ropes and/or handcuffs used in BDSM … you decide!
Best Joke at the Edinburgh Fringe 2012
For the third year running I’ve managed to miss any of the acts playing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival but, if the jokes below are anything to go by, I must make more of an effort next year!
This year, Stewart Francis’s one-liner about David and Victoria Beckham naming their children has won the award for the funniest joke of the Festival. The Canadian comedian won the award, given out by TV channel Dave, for the joke:
“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”
Francis and British comedian Tim Vine’s jokes both feature twice in the top ten best list published by Dave. Other comedians whose jokes made the list include Will Marsh and Rob Beckett.
Tim Vine’s jokes (he won the award for best joke two years ago) were voted into second and sixth place by a public vote of three thousand comedy fans, after Edinburgh jokes were whittled down to a shortlist of 30 by a panel of judges. Here are the top ten jokes chosen this year: 
1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”
2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ”
3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”
4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”
6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”
7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.”
8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”
10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”
Fifty Shades of Rubbish!
I am really quite cross with myself! Despite knowing that all the hype was probably just that, hype, I gave in and bought the Fifty Shades trilogy to take on my recent holiday. Everyone was reading it and the buzz around the story was intense. Why oh why didn’t I listen to the voice of reason in my head telling me to leave it well alone?
Dubbed “Mummy Porn” by the media, these books by British author E.L. James trace the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele (“Ana”), and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. They are notable for their explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance / submission, and sadism / masochism (BDSM).
Fifty Shades of Grey has topped best-seller lists around the world, including the United Kingdom and the United States and the series has sold 40 million copies worldwide, with book rights having been sold in 37 countries, and set the record as the fastest-selling paperback of all time, surpassing the Harry Potter series.
Predictably there has been much interest in turning these books into a feature film and in March 2o12 Universal Pictures and Focus Features secured the rights to the trilogy and there has been a lot of speculation as to who should play the leading roles. There are lots of pretty male actors around who could happily play the part of Christian Grey but I nearly fell off my chair when I heard that Angelina Jolie (age 37) had indicated that she would like to play the part of Anastasia – I am struggling to think of a less likely candidate to play a 19 year old virgin!!!
But back to the books themselves. If like me you are an avid reader and someone who enjoys a good story, these books are not for you! The first book sets the scene and the subsequent two make a half-hearted attempt to weave a very weak storyline throughout. There is some development of the characters but you soon find yourself skipping over the salacious parts which become incredibly boring after a while.
In particular, the section in the first book which details the contract laying out the terms of the sexual arrangement between them is, to say the least, ludicrous, and “safe” words are clearly reiterated so Ana can maintain certain boundaries when it comes to pain and humiliation. Surely one would hope that a simple “Stop” would be a better place to start! 
Furthermore, in the final book she allows him to continue using some of his sado-masochist tendencies on her whilst pregnant with their first child – as if!
The phenomenon of Fifty Shades is hard to ignore however and every day there is a new story making the whole thing a Marketeers dream. One idea that I particularly like comes from Richard’s Cakes (‘Quality Cakes for All Occasions’) from Manchester who have sculpted, baked and created a Fifty Shades of Grey Cake based around the Red Room of Pain. I just love the handcuffs on the bed.
Post-holiday blues
We spend weeks, sometimes months, looking forward to our annual holiday and all too soon it is a distant memory. The suntan starts to peel and/or fade and the harsh realities of everyday life come crashing back almost before the wheels of your returning aircraft have hit the home tarmac!
So what’s the answer? In years gone by I have come straight home and booked the next holiday, thus ensuring that I do have something else to look forward to, away from the uncertain climate that we live in here in the UK. Perhaps this year I will try something different …
How about actually doing something positive and trying to eat more healthily and lose weight? Sounds simple doesn’t it, but the reality is always so much harder!
As the southern half of the UK is bathed in sunshine and enjoying record temperatures, up here in Scotland it is naturally grey and cloudy with little hope of the sun breaking through the storm clouds that are gathering. So when I saw this poster, it made me laugh out loud – just about sums up my mood perfectly!!!
10 days radio silence
Аз се запътвам към Lozenets така там ще за известно време бъда тишина на радио за 10 дена на празник в България. Очаквам да споделя мислите си с вас отново при завръщането си!
or, in English:
I am off on holiday to Lozenets in Bulgaria for 10 days and so there will be radio silence from me for a while. I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you again on my return!
NB Look closely, that’s me on the terrace on the right on my last visit in 2010!
Gold!
At last we’ve achieved a couple of gold medals at London2012!
On day 5 we were treated to an amazing win by rowers Helen Glover and Heather Stanning in the female pairs. The world silver medallists led from the start, clocking seven minutes 27.13 seconds to become the first British female rowers to win an Olympic title.
The duo, who joined forces only two years ago, looked calm on the start line at an overcast Eton Dorney, and got their race off perfectly with a heavy acceleration out of the blocks. By 500m, they were almost a length clear, looking settled and focused. As they entered the final 250m, the packed grandstands either side of the lake began to cheer, with fans getting to their feet as they cruised across the finishing line a length clear of Australia.
Then a few hours later there was one for the boys! Our Tour de France champion, Bradley Wiggins (yes him with the sideburns!), became Britain’s most decorated Olympian with victory in the London 2012 time trial.
He now has 7 Olympic medals to his name -four golds, a silver and two bronzes – one more than rowing great Sir Steve Redgrave. Millions of people took to the streets around Hampton Court to cheer him on and he didn’t disappoint. What a 10 days this has been for him and as he said when interviewed at the end of the event: “I don’t think my sporting career will ever top this now,” said Wiggins. “That’s it. It will never, never get better than that. Incredible.”
To round off the day, the GB football team managed a scrappy 1-0 win against Uruguay, making them top of Group A and taking them into the quarter finals against South Korea on Saturday. If they win that game they are assured of a bronze medal at the very least but on the downside, they are likely to meet Brazil in the semis so let’s not get too excited just yet!
Mind you, after a truly inspirational performance by the GB women’s football team the night before when they beat a strong Brazil side 1-0 in front of a 70,000 strong partisan crowd at Wembley, there’s more than just a little pride at stake!!!
What planet is he on?
Like a lot of people I was somewhat surprised to see on the first day of London2012 that there were lots of empty seats at events including swimming, rowing, tennis and basketball, despite most folk not being able to buy tickets when they came on sale.
To add insult to injury, London 2012 chairman, Lord Coe has insisted today that Olympic venues are “stuffed to the gunnels” with sports fans.
Is he (or does he think we are) blind?
While millions of people turned out on the streets to cheer on the cyclists (for free!), the empty seats were apparently in the accredited “Olympic family” areas – reserved for groups including officials, sports federations, athletes, journalists and sponsors. I for one don’t think this is any kind of excuse!
Perhaps, however, he was just thinking of the beach volleyball taking place in Horse Guards Parade? For some reason this venue was filled to capacity ….. can’t think why?!?
Feathered fiends
Despite living at the very least 15 miles from the nearest coastal area here on the southside of Glasgow, we are currently being plagued by marauding seagulls, keeping us awake at night with their squawking and littering the street with their droppings.
This noisy nightmare occurs every time there is something on at Hampden. They have replaced the pigeon population here as the “flying rats”, feasting on the fast food rubbish that the crowds drop willy nilly on the pavements as they leave the venue.
Seagulls are perfectly capable of finding natural foods and if they are not provided with an unnatural meal, intentionally or otherwise, they will turn eventually to a more natural source of food.
Can I therefore ask all the people attending the football matches at Hampden for London2012 to dispose of their rubbish in the bins provided. Thank you!
Tessa's Blog 