Category Archives: Jokes and Humour
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high-speed trains and so arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow…
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
“Defrost the chicken.”
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish.
Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine attendance is not required.
Also, if I am using my computer it does not mean I am neglecting you and you do not have to rub yourself all over me until I give up and leave.
The proper order is kiss me and then go and smell the other dog. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you my dear pet, I have posted the following message on my front door:
To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my dog:
- She lives here – you don’t.
- If you don’t want her hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why it’s called ‘fur’niture.
- I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
- To you she is an animal. To me she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and gives me unconditional love.
Remember: Dogs are better than kids because they:
- Eat less.
- Don’t ask for money all the time.
- Are easier to train.
- Normally come when they’re called.
- Never ask to drive the car.
- Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
- Don’t smoke or drink.
- Don’t have to buy the latest fashions.
- Don’t want to wear your clothes.
- Don’t need a gazillion pounds for college, and …
- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!
Swindon is a town with a reputation for stupidity when it comes to town planning and their roads in general. You need look no further than the unimaginatively named “Magic Roundabout” which was constructed in 1972 and consists of five mini-roundabouts arranged around a sixth central, anti-clockwise roundabout. In one opinion poll in 2005 it was voted the worst roundabout in Britain and then in 2009 in another poll it was voted the fourth scariest junction in Britain. However the up-side is that the roundabout provides a better throughput of traffic than other designs and has an excellent safety record, since traffic moves too slowly to do serious damage in the event of a collision.
It is hardly surprising, therefore, that the local council are now under fire because of their latest initiative – a campaign to stop people illegally parking in alleyways. Bungling contractors have painted yellow lines down a narrow alleyway, leaving a gap of just 33cm in between them. The tiny alleyway itself is just 4 feet wide – too narrow for a car!
And the council’s excuse? A spokesperson apparently said: ‘It seems that our contractors forgot just how big cars actually are when they painted this one.”
Oh well, that’s alright then? No doubt the Council Tax payers of Swindon are delighted that their money is so well spent … BOING!!!!!
We’ve all heard of a zebra crossing – but have you ever seen an elephant seal crossing?
This is exactly the sight that shoppers in Brazil were amazed to see when a massive elephant seal hit the busy high street on Saturday. The seal waddled out of the ocean and into the city of Balneario Camboriu where it went for a walk – even using the proper crossings. Cars were blocked for 20 minutes whilst police officers splashed water on the seal to keep it wet. After about an hour and a half in the city, the seal returned on the sea and swam away unharmed.
Which leaves me with one burning question. Why did the elephant seal cross the road? To get to the other tide of course! BOOM!!!
This has to be the ultimate “Should have gone to Specsavers” moment when a silver Ford Fiesta smashed into the glass window of the front of the opticians store in Sevenoaks, Kent, around lunchtime yesterday.
Oh the shame … this person is going to be the butt of everyone’s jokes today and, like the shop window, I bet they didn’t see that coming!!!
When prosecutors recently asked for an account of a crime from a “PC Peach”, they didn’t realise that Peach was the name of a police dog! Officers were extremely irritated at the request and so they completed the form as it if had been written by the Alsatian – and signed it with a paw print!
The form was then pinned up at a West Midlands Police Station for the amusement of colleagues who are frequently at odds with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) over their handling of cases. Another officer then posted it on a Facebook page but quickly deleted it, though not before it was seen by colleagues in West Yorkshire police who liked it so much that they posted it on Twitter and the image has now gone viral, having been shared over 150 times.
The CPS, however, failed to see the funny side and officials are believed to have complained to police that their mistake has been turned into a very public joke.
The original officer has referred himself to the internal discipline unit but sources say he is unlikely to be reprimanded, despite new guidelines in the last week for police on the safe use of the internet which advises officers against sharing “operational material” online.
PC Peach declined to comment as anything he might say could later be used as evidence against him!