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Message from a dog lover
To be posted VERY LOW on the fridge door – pet nose height.
Dear Dogs:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish.
Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine attendance is not required.
Also, if I am using my computer it does not mean I am neglecting you and you do not have to rub yourself all over me until I give up and leave.
The proper order is kiss me and then go and smell the other dog. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you my dear pet, I have posted the following message on my front door:
To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my dog:
- She lives here – you don’t.
- If you don’t want her hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why it’s called ‘fur’niture.
- I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
- To you she is an animal. To me she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and gives me unconditional love.
Remember: Dogs are better than kids because they:
- Eat less.
- Don’t ask for money all the time.
- Are easier to train.
- Normally come when they’re called.
- Never ask to drive the car.
- Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
- Don’t smoke or drink.
- Don’t have to buy the latest fashions.
- Don’t want to wear your clothes.
- Don’t need a gazillion pounds for college, and …
- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!
Have some respect for your arteries!
First we had the deep fried Mars Bar, reportedly invented in 1995 in the Haven Chip Bar (now the Carron), in Stonehaven near Aberdeen. Originally a novelty item it has now become synonymous with Scotland’s notoriously unhealthy diet. After an item on the Channel4 programme, the Big Breakfast, chip shops around the country started putting it on their menus. One phone call to a local paper and in the space of just a few days a bit of fun between a chip shop owner and some local children in a Scottish fishing town, the dish was transformed into a global cultural and gastronomic phenomenon. The product is “not authorised or endorsed” by Mars Inc.
But like all phenomenons, there is always someone who wants to take the theme still further and today we read that an ex-pat Brit, Chris Sell from Rugby, Warwickshire, who has a New York chip shop, has come up with this “tasty” treat to satisfy hungry Brits living in the Big Apple who love fish and chips and a traditional fry-up – a 1,200 calorie battered sandwich with a full English breakfast filling!
Now I don’t know about you, but the thought of anything deep fried makes me cringe! On the rare occasions I do find myself having a fish and chip supper I always strip the fish of all the batter before eating but I do know people who love this type of fatty food – each to their own.
However, why ruin a perfectly good English breakfast by wrapping it in batter? This type of heart attack on a plate needs to be consigned to the nearest dustbin – unless you’ve got a hangover of course when I’m sure it will hit the spot nicely! And the next big decision you will need to make? Will it be red or brown sauce with that?!?
Fancy a pint?
As a lager drinker for many years (a favourite uncle used to refer to me as “Lager Lil” from a very young age and I have been known to tell people that I was “weaned on lager”), I was intrigued by a headline on the BBC website today which reads:
Has Britain fallen out with lager?
Apparently, while it remains by far the most widely drunk variety of beer, sales of lager fell from £12.7bn in 2006 to £11.4bn in 2011, according to market researchers Mintel.
Despised by real ale lovers yet consumed in vast quantities by pubgoers, for decades, lager has long rivalled tea as the beverage that best defines modern Britain. And yet the nation’s attachment to the supposedly refreshing qualities of pilsner and export appear to be on the wane.
It could be the economic climate – we blame everything else on the economic climate – but with more people buying their drinks from the supermarket rather than the pub, couples in particular are more likely to choose drinks they can enjoy in the home together. At home it’s about sharing, opening a bottle together, and lager has never been marketed in that way.
For me however, there is nothing more enjoyable than a long, cold drink of lager at the end of the day – at home or in the pub, I really don’t mind! So athough depleted, for now lager looks capable of lasting another round.
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