To be posted VERY LOW on the fridge door – pet nose height.

Dear Dogs:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish.

Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine attendance is not required.

Also, if I am using my computer it does not mean I am neglecting you and you do not have to rub yourself all over me until I give up and leave.

The proper order is kiss me and then go and smell the other dog.  I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you my dear pet, I have posted the following message on my front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my dog:

1. She lives here – you don’t.
2. If you don’t want her hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  That’s why it’s called ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you she is an animal.  To me she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and gives me unconditional love.

Remember:  Dogs are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less.
2. Don’t ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when they’re called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don’t smoke or drink.
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes.
10. Don’t need a gazillion pounds for college, and …
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!