Message from a dog lover
To be posted VERY LOW on the fridge door – pet nose height.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish.
Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine attendance is not required.
Also, if I am using my computer it does not mean I am neglecting you and you do not have to rub yourself all over me until I give up and leave.
The proper order is kiss me and then go and smell the other dog. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you my dear pet, I have posted the following message on my front door:
To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my dog:
- She lives here – you don’t.
- If you don’t want her hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why it’s called ‘fur’niture.
- I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
- To you she is an animal. To me she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and gives me unconditional love.
Remember: Dogs are better than kids because they:
- Eat less.
- Don’t ask for money all the time.
- Are easier to train.
- Normally come when they’re called.
- Never ask to drive the car.
- Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
- Don’t smoke or drink.
- Don’t have to buy the latest fashions.
- Don’t want to wear your clothes.
- Don’t need a gazillion pounds for college, and …
- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!
And they call it puppy love!
Take a walk on the wild side
We’ve all heard of a zebra crossing – but have you ever seen an elephant seal crossing?
This is exactly the sight that shoppers in Brazil were amazed to see when a massive elephant seal hit the busy high street on Saturday. The seal waddled out of the ocean and into the city of Balneario Camboriu where it went for a walk – even using the proper crossings. Cars were blocked for 20 minutes whilst police officers splashed water on the seal to keep it wet. After about an hour and a half in the city, the seal returned on the sea and swam away unharmed.
Which leaves me with one burning question. Why did the elephant seal cross the road? To get to the other tide of course! BOOM!!!
A mother’s love
We could learn a lot from Ozala the Gorilla at Twycross Zoo in Warwickshire. Her latest baby was born on 2nd January as a result of a successful primate breeding programme but so far keepers have been unable to determine the sex of the newborn since the 16-stone Mum won’t let anyone near her precious infant.
This is the 4th baby for 18-year old Ozala, and it may well be that she is over-protective since her 1st offspring, Matadi, born in 2003, was taken away from her and is now being cared for at Paignton Zoo in Devon. Her 2nd, a female called Ndoki sadly died aged 3 months in 2007 and her 3rd, a male called Okanda was born in April last year. Okanda survived after some initial health problems and is now being cared for in Stuttgart Zoo in Germany.
I do hope she is allowed to keep this new addition. It seems extremely cruel to me that she should be parted from her babies when she so clearly has extremely strong maternal instincts. I accept that Gorillas are a critically endangered species, but come on! How could you separate these two?
A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: ‘Do you have any grapes?’ ‘No,’ he replies.
The same thing happens the next day, and the day after. On the third day the assistant replies: ‘No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!’
The next day the penguin walks in and asks: ‘Got any nails? ‘No,’ replies the assistant. ‘Got any grapes?’ the penguin asks. BOOM!!!