Author Archives: Tessa Heywood
As both sides of the political debate continue to argue the pros and cons of an independent Scotland, the following words, written by a gentleman by the name of James Craig, couldn’t have put it more succinctly in favour of the No Campaign, helping those undecided voters to reach an informed decision on the 18th September. He says:-
“You currently jointly own a flat with your friend. You’re a bit fed up of him being stingy with the heating and the interior décor isn’t quite to your tastes. He can be annoying sometimes but overall, you pay your fair share and actually have a pretty good deal (because he pays for Sky Sports). You’ve had the ability to redecorate your bedroom for quite a while and your pal is also happy for you to repaint the living room in the future. Oh, and you’ve lived there for about 400 years.
Someone offers you the opportunity to purchase your own property to allow you full control of the interior design. They insist that you make your decision right now as there won’t be another opportunity to do so again. You must base your decision on the following info:
• You’re not sure what this house looks like (nor does the vendor), but a rough description has been given. It may or may not have windows and access to and from the property is uncertain.
• You’ve no idea how much the house costs, but you are told that regardless it is almost certainly a good investment.
• The housing market crashed a while back and the outlook remains uncertain and increasingly volatile.
• You’ve no idea what your mortgage terms are going to be or if you can afford even the smallest monthly payments, because you are already trillions of pounds in debt. You are assured that this is a minor detail because you can screw your pal over and transfer all of the debt to him if needs be.
• There is a rumour that the house has got a pot of money buried in the back garden. You aren’t sure how much is there, but a few people are absolutely certain that regardless of how much the house costs there will be enough there to pay the mortgage with.
• In buying this house, you’ll lose your Costco card that you share with your current flat mate. You’ve been assured that it will be easy to get one for yourself even though Costco is over-subscribed and with stringent entry conditions that you’re not sure you meet.
• You are repeatedly reminded that your Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandfather once fended off a burglar from his house with a stick when he lived in Bannockburn and that this is a good reason to buy your own house. The house you are being offered currently has a burglar alarm but this must be uninstalled when you move in even though it is in high crime-rate area.
Finally, your 16-year-old cousin that you’re a bit wary of has been allowed to have a say in your decision.
Would you go ahead and move out of your flat?”
Pretty persuasive argument don’t you think?
Right now I’m staying put and just hoping for a clear majority to save the Union so that we can all just get back to normal and carry on ….. fingers crossed!!!
And so to today’s most ridiculous news story …
Police in the West Midlands have released a recording of a woman who dialled 999 to request help in a row over the number of sprinkles on an ice cream. During the minute-long call, the woman told the operator: “It doesn’t seem like much of an emergency but it is a little bit.”
In the recording, the woman can be heard complaining about the ice cream she has been given. “I’ve ordered an ice cream and he’s put bits on one side and none of the other,” she said. “He’s refusing to give me my money back and saying I’ve got to take it like that.”
The Police would have been well within their rights to tell her she was skating on thin ice, put her in cold storage where she could cool off and then perhaps explain the difference to her between a “99” and 999.
After all is said and done:
Well it didn’t take too long did it? Just a few days into the infamous Edinburgh Tram service and the complaints are starting already.
Residents living near an Edinburgh tram stop are calling for its tannoy system to be switched off after it could be heard several streets away.
One resident said: “I woke up on Saturday morning thinking my bed was in an airport arrival terminal.”
Another woman compared it to 1980s TV sitcom Hi-de-Hi in which holiday camp visitors are blasted awake with a morning tannoy announcement.
Today they are apparently broadcasting information regarding this evening’s One Direction concert at Murrayfield in addition to the actual tram information the system was designed for. Not so much a case of “Hello Campers”, but more “Hello Harry Styles!”…..
Disclaimer: Any suggestion of a certain boy band member’s sexuality is the opinion of the writer alone and not based on any facts whatsoever!!!
And so today the realisation of 6 years of disruption! As the Edinburgh Trams finally rolls into action, the question still remains as to whether this project has been worth the expense, traffic/parking chaos and the general nightmares caused for businesses, residents and visitors to our Capital.
The first tram service set off at 05:00 from the Gyle shopping centre in the west of the city to York Place in the city centre, before heading out to Edinburgh Airport and then back to the Gyle.
In case my readers aren’t fully aware of the back story, the Edinburgh tram route cost £776m and covers 8.7 miles (14km) from the New Town to Edinburgh Airport and in the decade since the first money was allocated to the project, the price has doubled, the network has halved and it has taken twice as long to build as originally planned.
Only time will tell but I can’t help but admire the work of a mystery prankster who decided to re-design the logo and plaster the City with his work.
Tension is mounting and as a Clyde-Sider I am delighted that, as Glasgow 2014 rapidly approaches, this amazing structure has now appeared in George Square … Let the Games begin!!!
3 Naval Ships – love this, particularly given the location of my job for the past 6 months!:
1. USS RONALD REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts it into perspective… ENORMOUS!…
When the Bridge pipes ‘Man the Rail’ there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
2. USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton ‘for his foresight in military budget cuts’ and his conduct while holding the office of President.
3. HMSS ALEX SALMOND
Details are a bit vague ….. But don’t you worry ….. He has a plan !!!
Heee Haw, Heee Haw, Heee Hawlways says that !!!!!
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high-speed trains and so arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow…
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
“Defrost the chicken.”
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish.
Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine attendance is not required.
Also, if I am using my computer it does not mean I am neglecting you and you do not have to rub yourself all over me until I give up and leave.
The proper order is kiss me and then go and smell the other dog. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you my dear pet, I have posted the following message on my front door:
To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my dog:
- She lives here – you don’t.
- If you don’t want her hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why it’s called ‘fur’niture.
- I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
- To you she is an animal. To me she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and gives me unconditional love.
Remember: Dogs are better than kids because they:
- Eat less.
- Don’t ask for money all the time.
- Are easier to train.
- Normally come when they’re called.
- Never ask to drive the car.
- Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
- Don’t smoke or drink.
- Don’t have to buy the latest fashions.
- Don’t want to wear your clothes.
- Don’t need a gazillion pounds for college, and …
- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!
A UK Independence Party councillor has today blamed recent storms and floods on the Government’s decision to legalise gay marriage.
David Silvester, who defected from the Tories last year in protest at David Cameron’s support for same-sex unions, claimed he had warned the Prime Minister that the legislation would result in ‘disasters’.
The Henley-on-Thames town councillor, 73, said the country had been ‘beset by storms’ since the passage of the new law on gay marriage because Mr Cameron had acted ‘arrogantly against the Gospel’.
So we’ve not had floods before this then? I can’t believe anyone actually votes for these imbeciles.
I just love the response from Richard Lane, spokesman for the gay rights charity Stonewall. He is reported to have responded to this absolute tosh by saying: ‘Its hardly surprising that we’ve seen unusual weather patterns in Britain, considering the enormous amount of hot air being produced by some UKIP members’.
What drivel will come next? Presumably tomorrow’s story will be that he also blames gay marriage for the lightning strike that has damaged a thumb of Rio de Janeiro’s famous Christ the Redeemer statue since Brazil also legalised same sex marriage in 2013. So much for progress.