Category Archives: General
Celebrity baby names
OK, I understand that “celebrities” live on an entirely different planet from the rest of us mere mortals but it never ceases to amaze me that these people feel the need to give their offspring such ridiculous names that they will surely hate their parents for when they’re old enough to understand the ridicule!
This is not a recent trend. In the 60’s Frank Zappa called his eldest daughter Moon Unit and, strangely, she is still known by this name today, whereas Zowie Bowie, son of David Bowie, changed his name unofficially at the age of 12 to the more normal “Joey” and around the age of 18 officially to Duncan Jones.
Oh, and don’t get me started on the Geldorf offspring of Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie, though these names may have had more to do with their mother, the late Paula Yates, who went on to have another daughter by the late Michael Hutchence and called that poor mite Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily!
So it comes as no surprise that Robbie Williams and his wife Ayda have decided to call their new daughter by the name of Theodora Rose, to be known “affectionately” as Teddy apparently. This after saying recently that they weren’t going to go for an “Apple-esque” celebrity name.
I wish people would remember that these cute little babies are going to grow up and will have to live with these names until they’re old enough to change them and a lot more thought could go into their choices. I can’t help but wonder that if Robbie’s next child is a boy then he may just call him “Train Set” or “Football” to keep the theme going. Those poor kids!!!
Childhood memories
A lady called Patricia Bevan, 65, has just beaten hundreds of entries to win a national competition to find Britain’s best beach hut with her patriotic red, white and blue affair, complete with bunting and Union Jacks in honour of the Queen’s Jubilee.
This has brought back many happy memories of my childhood holidays in Birchington-on-Sea in Kent where, every summer from the age of about 6 to 15, I spent the entire school holidays [come rain or shine] in a beach hut on the prom at Minnis Bay.
I have to say that our hut bore little resemblance to this colourful specimen in Westwood Ho. In fact, apart from the 2-ring gas burner, it was a million miles away from this cheerful, inviting space! We spent many rainy days huddled around that gas burner drinking tea or tomato soup [though not at the same time], but we also had many weeks of 
gorgeous sunshine and fabulous walks, either along the promenade to Epple Bay or, if we were feeling more adventurous, to Reculver which was a terrific walk along the coast and is just on the outskirts of Herne Bay.
As a child, the walk seemed epic. However, looking at a map today it can’t have been much more than 2.5 miles!
The lure of cheap package holidays to the sun when I was in my teens meant that I soon stopped wanting to go to that beach hut in Birchington. I will always remember though just how lucky I was to get 6 weeks by the seaside ever year and it seems that the humble British beach hut is now experiencing something of a renaissance.
Well known hut owners such as Suggs from Madness [Whitstable] and Keith Richards from the Rolling Stones [West Wittering] may do little to help encourage the younger generation that beach huts are “cool” and to give them a try – but who needs a Costa when you can have the simple life a lot closer to home? Hmmmm …..???
Keep your eyes on the road
A recent study by insurance firm MoreTh>N has discovered that over a third of drivers, 34%, have had a prang or near miss in the UK as a result of taking their eyes off the road to admire a view. And an admiring 14% have slammed on the brakes to get a longer look – typically reducing their speed by 27 mph. Accidents resulting from these distractions cause an average £413.56 of damage each time.
And top of the list is the well-known tourist spot of Stonehenge where distracted motorists have more accidents passing here than any other British landmark. A quarter of motorists, 26%, have been distracted by the pre-historic monument of Stonehenge near Amesbury, Wiltshire.
The Angel of the North, in Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, is the second most dangerous landmark and the Blackpool Tower, in Lancashire, third. A captivated 18% and 12% of motorists find their eyes drifting towards these sites as they pass. Just over one in ten of these drivers, 11%, have had or nearly had an accident at these two beauty spots.
The top ten also includes the Scottish Highlands, the Houses of Parliament, Windsor Castle, Tower Bridge, and Clifton Suspension Bridge. Cheddar Gorge and Severn Bridge complete the list.
So, in the words of Paul Evans from 1959, “Keep your mind on your drivin’, keep your hands on the wheel, keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead…”
A Royal week in Provence
Hot on the heels of the now infamous photos of Prince Harry getting naked in Las Vegas, we are now being bombarded with tales of topless photographs being taken of his sister-in-law Kate at their remote holiday villa near Provence and sold to the highest bidder.
And the language being employed by the Palace press office is quite frankly ridiculous! Kate is said to be in ‘agony’ while she and William are being unspeakably ‘brave’ as they are still managing to go tree climbing in the jungle or whatever it is they do for a living.
Now I know women in ‘agony’ and who are ‘brave’ because they have a serious or life-threatening illness. Perhaps we could save these words for when we really need them.
It’s not that I don’t feel sorry for her – I am sure it is extremely embarrassing to have such photos spread across the pages of gossip magazines but it’s surely time to put things into some sort of perspective. She’s an attractive, young woman with a great figure (if a little skinny!) and this is, after all, the 21st Century when surely we aren’t shocked at the sight of a pretty girl with hardly any clothes on?
And let’s not forget that Kate is no stranger to baring her flesh for the cameras. She came to the attention of Prince William when he saw her in a Fashion Show in 2002 while they were both studying at St. Andrews. The Prince forked out £200 for a front seat at the charity student fashion show where Kate strode confidently down the catwalk in a see-through lace dress which revealed her black underwear.
It also appears to be another epic fail by the Royal Protection Service. As with Harry’s partying antics, this again begs the question as to what their security people were doing. If the paparazzi could see the couple by their remote swimming pool, why could the bodyguards not see the photographers and send them on their way? Perhaps they were too busy enjoying the holiday themselves as would have appeared to have been the case in Vegas?
In a short statement issued yesterday, the palace said that legal proceedings for breach of privacy have been commenced in France and because the French have some of the strictest privacy laws in the world, I expect some hefty donations to charity will be made in the coming weeks. However, with fines less harsh than in previous years, publications are more prone to take the risk as their boosted revenue will far outweigh the amount they will be forced to pay in damages.
Of course William and Kate are entitled to a degree of privacy when they are not on official engagements. However, like many before them who have been photographed in such a way have discovered, there is a market in this celebrity obsessed world for such pictures and maybe, just maybe, she should have kept her kit on?
Mañana, Mañana
If there was a Degree in procrastination, I would have a First Class with Honours! I know that the best way to deal with this somewhat negative trait is to write a list of all those things I need to do and work my way through them until they are completed. Saying it is easy – doing it is another matter!
Take the kitchen unit I ordered to give me more workspace. Having eventually found something I thought would work, I ordered it and the company duly delivered it a few days later – in a flat box! Of course I hadn’t read the small print and didn’t realise it was self-assembly. Well I opened the box and looked at the instructions, found there were 27 different parts and hurriedly put the instructions back in the box and walked away.
Seeing the box in my hall ever day made me feel extremely guilty – but not guilty enough to get it out and get on with it. I made excuses – I didn’t have the time, it would be too difficult, my electric screwdriver needed charging – anything that meant I didn’t have to actually do it!
Now I realised that this piece of furniture could not put itself together but I also knew that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do battle with the screwdriver. So it was several weeks before I took the plunge and set about building the thing. An hour and a half later I had finished and sat back, pleased with the results. So why couldn’t I have done this when it first arrived? Simple, it was easier to put it off until another day.
It is comforting to know I’m not alone. Here are just two examples that I found on the BBC website today that I can totally identify with and which made me laugh out loud:
A friend of mine, who I’ll call “Dave” (because that was his name) said he would do anything to avoid A-level revision. At one point he infamously found himself weighing the cat, convinced that he would only be able to settle down to work if he had that data to hand. As a result, some 25 years later, the act of procrastination is referred to by my family as “weighing the cat”. I Whitten, Sittingbourne, Kent
I started up the Stirling University Procrastination Society in 1980. It was a resounding success. Not one person bothered to return their registration form on time and we never got round to holding any meetings. Well done us. Yay! JohnB, Berkshire
But wait a minute! I am even procrastinating now! I should be working but instead I am writing this post. It is perhaps true then that the work you do whilst procrastinating is the work that you should do for the rest of your life …..
…. I’ll let you know tomorrow!!!
Return to Sender
And so to today’s most loony story!
Hu Seng, from Chongqing City, southern China, decided to surprise his partner by posting her an unusual present – himself. In doing so he almost died when the courier company mixed up the address and instead of 30 minutes in the sealed box, Mr Seng was trapped inside for nearly three hours. The box had very little air inside and was too thick for Mr Seng to make a hole in it. By the time the package had arrived at his girlfriend’s office – where a friend was waiting to record her surprise on camera – Mr Seng had passed out and had to be revived by paramedics.
‘I didn’t realise it would take so long,’ admitted Mr Seng. ‘I tried to make a hole in the cardboard but it was too thick and I didn’t want to spoil the surprise by shouting.’
A spokesman for the courier firm said: ‘If he’d told us what he was doing at the start we would not have taken the parcel. Even when we accept animals they have to go in special containers so they can breathe.’
Next time I suggest he arranges for some flowers and champagne to be delivered instead – far less risky!!!
Chickens? What chickens?
Caught in the act! I love this photo – Is it just me or does the fox actually look embarrassed?
The sky is no longer the limit
Here we have the ultimate luxury for those people with more money than sense!
These apartments in Singapore provide you with your very own car porch in the sky – with a biometric scan of your finger, the lift automatically brings your car to the right flat!
With 54 luxurious apartments and 2 stunning penthouses, there is also a hydro pool and lap pool, a fully equipped gym, a barbecue corner and a residents lounge, giving a lifestyle that most of us could only dream about!
However, there appears to be just one car elevator for the 56 apartments. At $5.7m for the 2-bed apartments and $24m for a penthouse, you might still find yourself waiting quite a while in the morning scramble to get to work!
Also, I can’t imagine this working too well if your pride and joy is an old rust bucket – the fumes would be unbearable. On the other hand it might be quite difficult to colour co-ordinate your cushions if your Ferrari is Giallo Modena (yellow), Rosso Barchetta (red) or Azzurro Hyperion (blue)!
#KnowTheCode
I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw the irreverent male body spray Lynx taking advantage of the Prince Harry story. The Company ran these tongue in cheek adverts that reinforced what the brand is promising – helping get young men into naughty situations with attractive young ladies!
The adverts, playing on a previous campaign idea of the Lynx man being hounded by scantily clad women, have run with the tagline ‘Sorry Harry. If it had anything to do with us.’
Another advert has featured a pair of Union Jack briefs with the line ‘One has unleashed the chaos.’
Already used in newspapers, including The Sun which was the first paper to print the controversial pictures of Harry in the buff, the Lynx Effect ads have prompted a huge response on Twitter and Facebook.
It was also a masterstroke by Las Vegas itself to also use the event to reflect and reinforce their brand story of “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas“. They ran the two adverts below, along with a social media campaign called #knowthecode . It was all about reminding people that the code is to ensure what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I’m sure he thought that a lads holiday in Vegas wouldn’t be anywhere as big a minefield as serving in Helmand Province where he was dodging bullets and rocket attacks from Taliban insurgents and performing patrols in hostile areas – the mobile phone is clearly a much more dangerous weapon!!!
Why be politically correct?
…when some of the funniest jokes are definitely NOT!!!
So, as it’s Friday, here’s a few to be getting on with:
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta’s, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, ‘hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!’
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60’s group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking …….. and then I saw her face
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, ‘what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?’
I said, ‘Thank you, I’ll have chicken please’
She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!’
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, ‘That’s just for starters!’
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!’
Bosses think she will do really well since she’s been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
BOOM!!!!!
Tessa's Blog 