Monthly Archives: August 2012
If there was a Degree in procrastination, I would have a First Class with Honours! I know that the best way to deal with this somewhat negative trait is to write a list of all those things I need to do and work my way through them until they are completed. Saying it is easy – doing it is another matter!
Take the kitchen unit I ordered to give me more workspace. Having eventually found something I thought would work, I ordered it and the company duly delivered it a few days later – in a flat box! Of course I hadn’t read the small print and didn’t realise it was self-assembly. Well I opened the box and looked at the instructions, found there were 27 different parts and hurriedly put the instructions back in the box and walked away.
Seeing the box in my hall ever day made me feel extremely guilty – but not guilty enough to get it out and get on with it. I made excuses – I didn’t have the time, it would be too difficult, my electric screwdriver needed charging – anything that meant I didn’t have to actually do it!
Now I realised that this piece of furniture could not put itself together but I also knew that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do battle with the screwdriver. So it was several weeks before I took the plunge and set about building the thing. An hour and a half later I had finished and sat back, pleased with the results. So why couldn’t I have done this when it first arrived? Simple, it was easier to put it off until another day.
It is comforting to know I’m not alone. Here are just two examples that I found on the BBC website today that I can totally identify with and which made me laugh out loud:
A friend of mine, who I’ll call “Dave” (because that was his name) said he would do anything to avoid A-level revision. At one point he infamously found himself weighing the cat, convinced that he would only be able to settle down to work if he had that data to hand. As a result, some 25 years later, the act of procrastination is referred to by my family as “weighing the cat”. I Whitten, Sittingbourne, Kent
I started up the Stirling University Procrastination Society in 1980. It was a resounding success. Not one person bothered to return their registration form on time and we never got round to holding any meetings. Well done us. Yay! JohnB, Berkshire
But wait a minute! I am even procrastinating now! I should be working but instead I am writing this post. It is perhaps true then that the work you do whilst procrastinating is the work that you should do for the rest of your life …..
…. I’ll let you know tomorrow!!!
Return to Sender
And so to today’s most loony story!
Hu Seng, from Chongqing City, southern China, decided to surprise his partner by posting her an unusual present – himself. In doing so he almost died when the courier company mixed up the address and instead of 30 minutes in the sealed box, Mr Seng was trapped inside for nearly three hours. The box had very little air inside and was too thick for Mr Seng to make a hole in it. By the time the package had arrived at his girlfriend’s office – where a friend was waiting to record her surprise on camera – Mr Seng had passed out and had to be revived by paramedics.
‘I didn’t realise it would take so long,’ admitted Mr Seng. ‘I tried to make a hole in the cardboard but it was too thick and I didn’t want to spoil the surprise by shouting.’
A spokesman for the courier firm said: ‘If he’d told us what he was doing at the start we would not have taken the parcel. Even when we accept animals they have to go in special containers so they can breathe.’
Next time I suggest he arranges for some flowers and champagne to be delivered instead – far less risky!!!
Chickens? What chickens?
The sky is no longer the limit
Here we have the ultimate luxury for those people with more money than sense!
These apartments in Singapore provide you with your very own car porch in the sky – with a biometric scan of your finger, the lift automatically brings your car to the right flat!
With 54 luxurious apartments and 2 stunning penthouses, there is also a hydro pool and lap pool, a fully equipped gym, a barbecue corner and a residents lounge, giving a lifestyle that most of us could only dream about!
However, there appears to be just one car elevator for the 56 apartments. At $5.7m for the 2-bed apartments and $24m for a penthouse, you might still find yourself waiting quite a while in the morning scramble to get to work!
Also, I can’t imagine this working too well if your pride and joy is an old rust bucket – the fumes would be unbearable. On the other hand it might be quite difficult to colour co-ordinate your cushions if your Ferrari is Giallo Modena (yellow), Rosso Barchetta (red) or Azzurro Hyperion (blue)!
If you believed they put a man on the moon
Sad news this weekend that US astronaut Neil Armstrong, the first man on the Moon, has died aged 82. A statement from his family says he died from complications from heart surgery he had earlier this month.
He set foot on the Moon on 20 July 1969, famously describing the event as “one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind”.
There have been many conspiracy theories that continue to circulate including:
Maintaining that NASA and others knowingly misled the public into believing the landings happened by manufacturing, destroying, or tampering with evidence; including photos, telemetry tapes, transmissions, rock samples, and even some key witnesses.
Speculation that NASA faked the first landing in 1969 in order to win the Space Race.
Claims that the landings helped the US government because they were a popular distraction from the Vietnam War; and so manned landings suddenly ended about the same time that the US ended its role in the Vietnam War.
This is despite the fact that since the late 2000’s, high-definition photos taken by the LROC spacecraft of the Apollo landing sites have captured the lander modules and the tracks left by the astronauts. Then, earlier this year, images were released showing the Apollo flags still standing on the lunar surface.
In their statement following his death the Armstrong’s family spoke of a man who never lost his “boyhood wonder” at the pursuits of aviation and spaceflight, adding: “For those who may ask what they can do to honour Neil, we have a simple request. Honour his example of service, accomplishment and modesty, and the next time you walk outside on a clear night and see the moon smiling down at you, think of Neil Armstrong and give him a wink.” Twitter was of course quick to respond with the hashtag #WinkAtTheMoon trending worldwide.
Despite his incredible accomplishment of being the first man to walk on solid ground somewhere other than Earth, he seemed to be extremely down to earth. I think my favourite quote from him was, when revealing publicly his initial concerns about the Apollo 11 mission, when he had believed there was only a 50% chance of landing on the moon, his statement “I was elated, ecstatic and extremely surprised that we were successful.” This from a man who had the ultimate bragging rights. May he rest in peace, dreaming [for the first time apparently] of “Walking on the Moon”.
Book ’em Danno!
I don’t pretend to fully understand America’s political system or what is happening in the latest Presidential elections and I have no idea whether the USA should stick with Obama or vote in Romney instead. What I do understand, however, is that the behaviour of the individuals themselves, like our own less than savoury lot, always manages to regress back to their childhoods with the sort of playground bullying tactics coming into play that make us all want to cringe with embarrassment.
Putting Romney’s tax affairs to one side along with Obama’s dope smoking whilst at High School, the latest row seems to centre around Obama’s heritage.
Mitt Romney firmly believes President Barack Obama was born in the United States, or at least he says he believes it. But apparently he also believes there’s no harm in jokingly implying otherwise. At a campaign stop in Michigan, the presumptive Republican nominee happily pointed out he’s a native and that ‘no one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate.’
The usual partisan fireworks ensued with an Obama spokesman claiming Romney had chosen to ‘enlist in the birther movement,’ (don’t you just love these made up words?) and Republicans crying hypocrisy over Democrats ‘feigning outrage.’
The best response however may have come from the President’s Twitter account which posted the following tweet: Song of the day: ‘Born in the USA.’
If Obama (aged 51) does lose the campaign in November, may I suggest an alternative career for him? If he was indeed born in Honolulu, he could perhaps take the lead role in a new TV series called Hawaii 5-1!!!
Why be politically correct?
…when some of the funniest jokes are definitely NOT!!!
So, as it’s Friday, here’s a few to be getting on with:
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta’s, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, ‘hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!’
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60’s group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking …….. and then I saw her face
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, ‘what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?’
I said, ‘Thank you, I’ll have chicken please’
She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!’
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, ‘That’s just for starters!’
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!’
Bosses think she will do really well since she’s been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
What happens in Vegas can no longer be expected to stay there
Oh dear, what were you thinking Harry???
As nude pictures of the 3rd in line to the throne have spread across the Internet this week, British websites, newspapers and television stations have been banned from showing them which, in this age of technology is pretty silly as a simple Google search provided the evidence. There is an element perhaps of running scared following the recent Leveson Inquiry, together with the fact that Prince Charles has instructed lawyers to threaten legal action for infringing Prince Harry’s ‘privacy’. Regardless of Codes of Conduct and legislation however, the internet will always have space for as many nude photos of Prince Harry as partygoers with mobile phones can muster.
After much thought I have decided not to include the naked pictures in this post but if you want to check them out for yourself, last night a Google search for ‘Prince Harry Naked’ produced 68,300,000 results and a search for ‘Prince Harry Naked Pictures’ generated 25,800,000 results.
Whatever your opinion on this matter we should remember that Harry is no longer a teenager, he will be 28 next month – his position as an Officer in the British Army demands his observation of their own code of ethics as well as his obvious status within the Royal Family. So what possessed him to show off his very own “Crown Jewels” in a game of “strip billiards”? Prince Charles probably hasn’t seen his son naked since he was a baby. Now, anyone who has looked at a Hollywood-based website has.
And another question? Where was his security and why did they not stop him? Earlier in the day, bare-chested and wearing sunglasses, he blended in perfectly with the rest of the pool party revellers. But the man sharing Prince Harry’s Jacuzzi in Las Vegas is in fact his taxpayer-funded police protection officer. The unnamed Scotland Yard officer, on the left in the picture above, was one of at least three personal protection officers tasked with guarding the 27-year-old prince round the clock on his US holiday. His police detail is estimated to cost the taxpayer £2million a year, and the photos are bound to raise questions at the highest level. Dai Davies, the former head of Scotland Yard’s Royalty Protection Squad, said it was a ‘very tricky situation’ for the officers. But he added: ‘I’m not exactly sure how [protecting Harry] can be done when you are wearing your swimming trunks in a Jacuzzi. Where is his gun for a start? And if he is not deemed to need one then is there any justification for him being there?’
Harry and his entourage left Vegas on Tuesday, arriving in Los Angeles just an hour after his naked photos hit the internet. In blue shirt, cream Panama hat and sunglasses, the prince looked apprehensive as he waited in a car park outside a restaurant in trendy Venice Beach. While his friends ate inside, he spent much of his time on his mobile phone suggesting that the news had been broken to him that he was now an internet sensation.
Whatever the fallout is from his latest antics, I am pretty sure that when he gets home he’ll find out that Granny is not amused!!!
BDSM for nice people
And sure enough, following on from yesterday’s post Fifty Shades of Rubbish, today’s story is about the mainstream publishing company, HarperCollins, who have released a guide to bondage bedroom play – or BDSM, as it is known to the initiated.
While it is a lifestyle choice enjoyed, sometimes to extremes, by people across the globe, it is fair to say that the current popularity of BDSM refers to a sort of ‘BDSM lite’ – a tamer, more approachable version of the sexual proclivity.
And that is just what is portrayed in HarperCollins’ new guide. The book, Fifty Ways To Play – which carries the subtitle “BDSM for nice people”.
The book claims to offer 50 ‘edgy and erotic’ adventures which the publisher says are ‘perfect for the millions of readers who have been inspired by the phenomenal Fifty Shades trilogy.’ ‘Fifty Shades has broken down the taboos about BDSM and more women than ever are wanting to spice up their sex lives,’ HarperCollins said. ‘But there is very little out there that shows you how to turn every night into an erotic fantasy. ‘From turning your bedroom into a ‘Red Room Of Desire [in the Fifty Shades Trilogy it is known as the Red Room Of Pain] to exploring the fine art of Japanese rope bondage, these 50 edgy and erotic adventures make incredible sex incredibly easy,’ they say.
Conveniently for the budding BDSM-er, the book is being packaged up and sold as part of erotic gift sets by www.boxofgrey.com, a website set up for newcomers to the BDSM world. They have created gift boxes with a selection of props to complement the book, with two different sets on offer to assist the BDSM virgins: the Play Box, which includes a blindfold, paddle, kegel balls and a rope kit, and the Summer Holiday box, which contains a holiday-friendly selection of products that the site says are discreet enough that they can be packed in hand luggage without arousing suspicions during security checks.
All this strangely reminds me of the Paul Simon Song, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” released in December 1975:
The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you
Take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
Is the struggle he refers to the chains, ropes and/or handcuffs used in BDSM … you decide!