Monthly Archives: December 2012
Seasonal humour …
As we approach the festive season, a topical joke for you …..
A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games ……… The Manager can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. BOOM!!!
Now that’s what you call a ‘boob’!
As if teenage girls aren’t body conscious enough, found on sale recently was this card, produced by Hallmark:
The company hurried to apologise for the blunder and by Friday afternoon had posted a statement on its website agreeing that the card was inappropriate, and claiming it had not been published in the last 15 years. They have promised to track down any remaining copies of the card and remove them from sale.
Now I like risqué cards as much as the next person but I genuinely believe that we have to be extremely careful when dealing with impressionable teens and big corporations should definitely behave more responsibly – I wonder if there are any cards out there referencing a teenage boy’s ‘bits’ to even up the score???
A fishy tale
On reading an article today about how Researchers have found that the lobster population in Maine has begun resorting to cannibalism – the increased number of crustaceans in Maine’s water has resulted in the bigger lobsters feasting on smaller ones apparently – I was reminded of my favourite lobster joke:
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
“We can’t see each other anymore….” she sobbed.
“Why?” gasped Declan.
“Daddy says crabs are too common,” she wailed. “He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean… and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.”
Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry-making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father’s side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor… and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke…………..
“F***, I’m pissed.”
It’s official
So this morning it has been confirmed that Brussels will definitely refuse to let Scotland automatically join the European Union if voters back Alex Salmond’s plans for independence. Officials at the European Commission have revealed Scotland’s EU membership will ‘cease to apply’ if it is no longer part of the UK and the Spanish government has made clear it would ‘veto’ any attempt by Scotland to join since this would likely bolster calls for Catalonian independence.
Since the acceptance of any new member must be unanimous, this is a major blow [and embarrassment] for Mr Salmond, who has publicly claimed that Scotland would automatically continue to be in the Euro bloc.
Surely the last nail in this particular political coffin?
Witty Wednesday
A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: ‘Do you have any grapes?’ ‘No,’ he replies.
The same thing happens the next day, and the day after. On the third day the assistant replies: ‘No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!’
The next day the penguin walks in and asks: ‘Got any nails? ‘No,’ replies the assistant. ‘Got any grapes?’ the penguin asks. BOOM!!!
Bigger news
OK, I was wrong … the biggest news of the day is the announcement that Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with her and Prince William’s first child. But can you spot the similarity between these two photos:
The answer? Well they’re both expecting baby W[h]ales of course!!! BOOM!!!!!
The Palace have taken the unusual step of publicising the Royal pregnancy prior to the 12 weeks stage because Kate has been admitted to hospital suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum, a severe form of morning sickness requiring supplementary hydration and nutrients.
This baby’s future is of course already mapped out. He/she will be third in line to the throne, after Prince Charles and Prince William and will one day be head of the armed forces, supreme governor of the Church of England and subsequently head of state of 16 countries.
So congratulations to them – just remember Kate, one more and your job is done!
Holy hashtag!
The big news of the day seems to be the fact that Pope Benedict XVI has joined Twitter, although he won’t be sending his first tweet until 12th December – just in time for the Christmas messages I presume?!
Using the handle @pontifex, I am sure he won’t be sending the tweets himself [there’ll be a man for that in his entourage of course] but I’m probably not the only person who’d really enjoy seeing him bring out his Blackberry or iPad from underneath his cassock during an open air Mass!
The walls come tumbling down
There’s an update today on my previous post “Life in the fast lane“.
The elderly Chinese couple who were refusing to relocate while authorities built a giant road around their home have finally admitted defeat. In front of a crowd of onlookers, bulldozers and diggers moved in to tear the isolated house to the ground.
Luo Baogen and his wife had previously insisted on staying in the half-demolished building in the city of Wenling, Zhejiang province, because they believed that the relocation compensation offered by the government was not enough – they have now apparently accepted an increased amount from the Chinese Government.
That might well be the case but I think they probably just decided that a good night’s sleep would be found in a quieter neighbourhood!
Often there is a simpler solution
When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil. BOOM!!!
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